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26: Harmony.

I’m finally able to say that I’m starting to keep my emotions under control.  My emotions were the one thing that have always controlled me radically, and made me do irregular things in the past.  It’s starting to disappear.  I have learned about one thing tonight:

If I say I miss you, then it’s because there’s some connection to something that I am doing at the time.  Sadly, most of these are material connections, and there are only three people, outside my family, whom I truly miss with a spiritual connection.  I’m starting to understand more about myself, and I should use today as a memorial, a special occasion to say that the first of many steps is complete. 

Now, if I say I love you – you better believe that there is feeling behind it, and as much as I dislike saying those words often, I do mean it.  Here’s the thing.  I will apologize for my actions, but because I’m controlling my feelings – I won’t apologize for my emotions, because they are becoming secure.

Irene had given me her drum for the practices of Hobiyee and many other celebrations.  I had touched the drum for the first time tonight, with her watching.  I stood there with the drum shaking, because I became nervous.  I’m not sure if it’s because there was an extreme amount of energy, or because I’m not compatible with the spirit of the drum, but something made me nervous.  Nevertheless, it is an amazing piece of work, and Irene does an amazing job of making a drum.

Did you know that Nisga’a women were traditionally not allowed to play drums, because the drums were originally used for war?

Tonight for me, was the first practice of Hobiyee.  Hobiyee is the Nisga’a new years, celebrating when a star goes directly above a certain moon cycle.  This is also the time when the Oolichan begin to spawn and become plentiful.  I nervously played Irene’s drum, sang and banged against the drum with all the other men tonight. It was amazing, with the power, the inspiration behind the people, although I felt a lot more last week when I was observing.  The women are separated from the men, and the women dance while the men play drums.  There are three songs altogether.  It appears to be the Welcoming song, the song that they stole from another nation before killing their people (that’s what I was told…) and the wish song (or something along that – like hope, peace, or so).  The first song, I’m not sure what the lyrics are, even though they are repeated.  It sounds like a traditional chant.  The second song reminds me of Nina Ha Ho by Susan Aglukark.   The only words that I can hear in it are Hina and Oh~, all in different pitches.  The last song, I’d love to learn properly.  It’s really fruity with the voices, and I picked up on it automatically.  It’s sung in Nisga’a, and it felt right for me to sing it.  I was reminded of Týr while singing it.

That’s barely an introduction.

As we got back to Irene’s place, Lily (Irene’s granddaughter) told me that I’m becoming a “New Indian” now.  Even though those words are from a 5yr old, it’s nice to hear that the people are slowly accepting me into a community, and people are trusting me, regardless of age.  Owen (Lily’s brother) keeps asking me if I’m there, and how I’m doing when I’m gone.  It puts a smile on my face.

I’m on my way to trusting myself and going to sleep with a smile on my face again.

I do hope mum is doing well also.

Day 24: Ice fishing.

I seem to update this a lot during the evenings, y’know, at 1am or such.  After everyone goes to rest, and I’m still up.  It’s a guilty pleasure, along with househunters.

I’ve noticed that my facebook has been off for as long as it has been.  You don’t know how amazed I am with that, and I, myself am quite proud to have that happen.  It’s nice being away from the real world, and as long as I have some communication with the outside world, I’m good.  It doesn’t mean that I’m not talking to people.  I’m talking via phone, I’m in the process of writing a letter to a special someone on the otherside of the world.  Very kind words are usually spoken in letters, and I hope to send Ms. Robyn a happier letter next time.  Talking about people, I’ve started to talk properly with Irene’s niece, Missy.  We’re getting along quite amazingly, and being around both her and Irene – I’m going to ensure I’ll get even better than I originally thought.  (No, Gitwinksihlkw isn’t for rehab, although I’m making it sound that it is).  I haven’t been biting my nails as much, but I need to stop nibbling on my beard…

Today, I went ice fishing.  I couldn’t have been happier, because I went out with Irene’s son’s family, and I felt welcome and invited to fish with them.  I was nervous, ‘cause it was the second time ever fishing, and I did extremely well.  Until today, I felt that I lost a lot of pride in myself, but I caught two extremely huge fish (bigger than everyone else) once I learned how to properly fish!  The best part was taking the fish back and eating it for dinner tonight.  Irene had cooked it with garlic powder (I believe), and it tasted delicious.  Apparently with cooking any fresh fish, it curls up, and due to ringworms, you need to cook freshwater fish well done.  I learned that any other carnivorous animals, you need to also cook well done, considering it all has ringworms that are obviously dangerous to humans.  Sealions are difficult to cooked, and usually are smoked, since the meat is black, and doesn’t change colour while cooking, unlike steak.

We started off by making the holes.  I’m sure everyone has seen those fancy devices to create the holes in the ice.  Turn the tool in a circle, and it digs a nice hole in the ice.  After the hole is created, the slush is filtered out using a ladle with holes, and bait goes on the rod and down goes the sinker!  With dragon lake, the fish swim near the bottom, and you needed to get down the bottom of the lake until the line doesn’t go any further.  Then reel it until it’s straight, and flick the rod occasionally, so the sinker looks like some prey.

I caught 8 fish today.  3 were small, 2 were massive and 3 were regular size; I had let the small ones and two regular go back into the lake.  The 2 ‘massive’ fish I had caught were quite gorgeous, and I saw their colours shine within the sun – hence “rainbow” trout.  Minus the blood flowing down the fish, of course.

Learned one interesting thing today.  If catching a small fish, look it in the eyes, and pry it's mouth open.  Spit in it’s mouth, and because the fish has some of your saliva in it, you both are connected.  Then as releasing mention: “Bring me back your grandfather”.  Luck of the charm comes with that, and it is a nice piece of culture.

All fish and crab guts, innards, and so that can be renewed by the ocean cycle must be thrown back into the river.  It’s for respect, and to give food or homes for the creatures that live in the ocean.  Just so they can return to their original place.

After catching the trout, there was crab also delivered.  Imagine how excited I became because of that.  Weird thing?  I never ate seafood other than sushi before I came here! Aha.

Day 22: Cultural appropriation, computer use and an old friend. Oh my!

Owen: “I’m part Chinese!”  Me:  “What makes you say that?”  Owen:  “It’s because I’m a wolf”  Me:  “What’s that have anything to do with you being Chinese?”  Owen:  “Jiiiiiits…”

I had learned something quite funny about the Nisga’a tonight:  They appropriate cultures as much as white people do.  Now, generally it’s wrong, but I found it hilarious as I’m sitting here from remembering from Tumblr how “dressing up as a culture makes you a bad person” and “I’m a person, not a stereotype”.  How would people feel if non-white people were doing that? 

Get this.  When the Nisga’a had winter, everyone would go back to the villages, and do things apart from going online, tv, all that stuff.  They had decided that they should be other cultures for certain events, including weddings and new years (specific example that I received) and others.  It’s bad if a white person does it, but if it’s in tradition?  Maybe?  They were sorted into four ethnicities; each clan had their own group. 

Raven:  Japanese

Wolf: Chinese

Eagle:  Scottish/Irish

Killer Whale:  African-Canadians.

I never received many examples, but the two that I had received:

The Wolves at weddings (sometimes still happens today) dress up as Chinese people.  It’s rare today, but in my room; Irene has three Chinese hats that the rice pickers/fishermen would use for traditional life.  I was curious why they were there, because there are three of them.  There’s no reason to why a Taiwanese person that Irene had met briefly would need to bring three hats, but they’re here.  At the olden wolf weddings, there would be the bride and the groom.  The man would dress up in all black, and the woman in a traditional dress, probably with dragons or flowers on it.  People that were also wolves would be dressed up in the hats; sandals and all black, or however Chinese people would dress.

The Killer whales (don’t call them orca’s…) would celebrate the New Year with their skin painted black (YES, THEY DID BLACKFACE), and they would dress literally like Aunt Jermina  (sp), with handkerchiefs/napkins over their heads, and slave-like clothing.

Here, I thought I was against cultural appropriation.  I still am laughing about this, terribly.

Irene had mentioned that I should stop using the computer, if I wanted to meet some people, or to get into town on certain days.  I understand this completely, and I know I’ve been a hermit.  The only event I’m really doing at this time is the Hobiyee practice, and I’m aware that I should start going to more.  I’m tempted to start going to church, I may this Sunday – just to meet more people, and to try to be more respected in the community.  I may not believe in everything the church says, but if I can learn a lesson, then it won’t be failed.  I may start using the computer, and my phone a lot less from now on – all things depending.  I’m gonna see if I can reduce my limit on electronics even more, and maybe try to start talking to people, if they wanna talk back.

I saw an old friend today.  I was honoured when I could see him, because I know he has been exhausted from working a lot, but he took the time to come out and see me.  Everything, including shopping and so had worked out perfectly, so the timing was right, and I was able to see him.  It makes me happy that two people can stay out of contact for a long time and remain in contact, like nothing had happened out of the blue.  The words that were said tonight are still making me smile (it just turned two am), and I will say thankyou greatly for that.  I’ll call you soon, and I hope to see your smile again.

Random fact of the night: The Nisga’a have no word for “thank you”.

Off topic!

It’s kinda off topic to say, but I just wanted to say that I’m starting to realize how thankful that I am.  I watched one of those police shows tonight, the one with Amy Jo Johnson in it… The pink power ranger.  It’s 1am, and it has just finished.  Although this maybe irrelevant, but the synopsis was of a guy in highschool named Ryan, who fell in love with Tyler.  Now, Ryan happened to deny his sexuality and was keeping it undercover for six months, until there was a video spread local, but became viral – similar to those advertisements on television about sexting/sending pictures and information without permission of the original subject. 

            After “corrective” therapy, Ryan managed to get his closer friends at gunpoint, with a guy named Joe, who had released the video.  Ryan was in a ski-mask and heavy jacket for the weather.  Long story short, no-one was hurt.  Police investigation, and a wild goose chase led the Police to Ryan who happened to be within the school, where the video was filmed.  From a psychological standpoint, he wanted to be in the place that he was most happy.  He ties up a noose and attempts to hang himself until a policeman intervenes.  Policeman doesn't do an amazing job, but Ryan jumps.  The rope is cut at the last second, and he falls to the ground.

Happy ending, better love story than twilight.

It boggles me to see someone so ashamed as himself as Ryan was.  I understand that living within American media has bought on a different story than my own, which is not nearly as rough, but still can be considered.  It was easier for me, considering my family, and the circumstances that I encountered growing up. 

My personal thoughts about this are that yes, I'm not in this circumstance.  I kinda wish I could help people who are going through this, and make them a better person, give them a place in life, and see them smile again.  this can only happen if both parties will make sense of this.

#2 - I was watching "Days of our lives" with Irene last night, and a scene came on with a gay couple having a discussion in bed, kissing and enjoying each other's company.  I wasn't too sure how Irene is around homosexuality, so I sat there nervously, and embraced what she was going to say.

The scene finishes, and Irene turns to me: "I wish I had their knees!"

I couldn't stop laughing, in relief and in good humour.

#3 - I had crab last night.  It's a first for me to be eating seafood, because I never did before.  Kinda ironic, since I had been raised in an island nation...