26: Harmony.

I’m finally able to say that I’m starting to keep my emotions under control.  My emotions were the one thing that have always controlled me radically, and made me do irregular things in the past.  It’s starting to disappear.  I have learned about one thing tonight:

If I say I miss you, then it’s because there’s some connection to something that I am doing at the time.  Sadly, most of these are material connections, and there are only three people, outside my family, whom I truly miss with a spiritual connection.  I’m starting to understand more about myself, and I should use today as a memorial, a special occasion to say that the first of many steps is complete. 

Now, if I say I love you – you better believe that there is feeling behind it, and as much as I dislike saying those words often, I do mean it.  Here’s the thing.  I will apologize for my actions, but because I’m controlling my feelings – I won’t apologize for my emotions, because they are becoming secure.

Irene had given me her drum for the practices of Hobiyee and many other celebrations.  I had touched the drum for the first time tonight, with her watching.  I stood there with the drum shaking, because I became nervous.  I’m not sure if it’s because there was an extreme amount of energy, or because I’m not compatible with the spirit of the drum, but something made me nervous.  Nevertheless, it is an amazing piece of work, and Irene does an amazing job of making a drum.

Did you know that Nisga’a women were traditionally not allowed to play drums, because the drums were originally used for war?

Tonight for me, was the first practice of Hobiyee.  Hobiyee is the Nisga’a new years, celebrating when a star goes directly above a certain moon cycle.  This is also the time when the Oolichan begin to spawn and become plentiful.  I nervously played Irene’s drum, sang and banged against the drum with all the other men tonight. It was amazing, with the power, the inspiration behind the people, although I felt a lot more last week when I was observing.  The women are separated from the men, and the women dance while the men play drums.  There are three songs altogether.  It appears to be the Welcoming song, the song that they stole from another nation before killing their people (that’s what I was told…) and the wish song (or something along that – like hope, peace, or so).  The first song, I’m not sure what the lyrics are, even though they are repeated.  It sounds like a traditional chant.  The second song reminds me of Nina Ha Ho by Susan Aglukark.   The only words that I can hear in it are Hina and Oh~, all in different pitches.  The last song, I’d love to learn properly.  It’s really fruity with the voices, and I picked up on it automatically.  It’s sung in Nisga’a, and it felt right for me to sing it.  I was reminded of Týr while singing it.

That’s barely an introduction.

As we got back to Irene’s place, Lily (Irene’s granddaughter) told me that I’m becoming a “New Indian” now.  Even though those words are from a 5yr old, it’s nice to hear that the people are slowly accepting me into a community, and people are trusting me, regardless of age.  Owen (Lily’s brother) keeps asking me if I’m there, and how I’m doing when I’m gone.  It puts a smile on my face.

I’m on my way to trusting myself and going to sleep with a smile on my face again.

I do hope mum is doing well also.